“To me, the most important part of winning is joy. You can win without joy, but winning that’s joyless is like eating in a four-star restaurant when you’re not hungry. Joy is a current of energy in your body, like chlorophyll or sunlight, that fills you up and makes you naturally want to do your best.”
“The legitimate object of government is to do for a community of people whatever they need to have done, but can not do at all, or can not so well do, for themselves, in their separate, and individual capacities.”
“The life of a nation is secure only while the nation is honest, truthful, and virtuous.“
“Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.”
“Guys, is this inauguration speech running too long? No? You sure? We’re cool? Great. As I was saying…”
—President William Henry Harrison
And the classic:
“You don’t need no gun control. You know what you need? We need some bullet control. That’s right—I think all bullets should cost five thousand dollars. Five thousand dollars per bullet. You know why? Cuz if a bullet costs five thousand dollars, there would be no more innocent bystanders.”
If you’re marking another year around the sun this month, Happy Birthday…and many blessings on your camels. And now, our feature presentation…
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, February 17, 2021
Note: In what may be the most notable metaphor of 2021, Trump’s Atlantic City Casino is getting imploded at 9am. You can watch it here. I know I will.
By the Numbers:
Days ’til Cherry Pie Day: 3
Number of congressional seats that Arizona, Colorado, Montana, North Carolina, and Oregon are each expected to pick up as a result of the 2020 Census: 1
Number of Americans represented by the Senators who voted to convict the 45th president on the charge of inciting an insurrection: 202 million
Number represented by the senators who voted to acquit him: 125 million
Patients who have been hospitalized with the flu since October, compared to 400,000 last season: 165
President Biden’s typical workday hours at the White House: 9am-7pm
Number of presidents who worked for the U.S. Postal Service: 2 (McKinley, Lincoln)
Mid-week Rapture Index: 187 (including 3 tribulation temples and 1 year of bad calls by right-wing Christian prophets). Soul Protection Factor 8 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
Puppy Pic of the Day: There’s snow time like the present…
CHEERS to meteorological musings. Back in 1998 Maine got walloped with a huge ice storm; it took years to recover from it, and even today you can see “ampu-trees” that bear the scars. Yesterday we were reminded of it when we got hit with a mild version of it that thankfully melted off pretty fast. So we can sympathize with the folks in the south who have been taking the brunt of nature’s wrath with a once-a-generation visit from Mr. Freeze. But Texas utilities, you need to stick a crowbar in all y’alls wallets and get your shit together:
Equipment literally froze in the single digit temperatures and stopped working.
Then, as reserves diminished, ERCOT asked transmission providers to turn off large industrial users that had previously agreed to be shut down. But the situation deteriorated quickly, requiring rotating outages that have lasted hours for many Texans.
Electric generating plants did not properly winterize their equipment, said Dr. David Tuttle in the latest episode of the Y’all-itics political podcast. Tuttle is a research associate with the Energy Institute at the University of Texas at Austin. “There are things that can be done, but it will cost some money,” he added. “About every decade we have these long-sustained periods. And then, you know weatherization is supposed to happen, and then, it doesn’t because it costs money.”
It’s bad enough that the utilities failed their customers and put millions of citizens in potentially life-threatening situations. But even worse, now Texas Republicans can’t stand on the sidelines and snicker at the haplessness of archrival California‘s wildfire-causing utilities. Congratulations—you just all-hat-and-no-cattled yourself in the foot.
CHEERS to making the world safe again for rugrats. Is our children learnin’? They are now, thanks to overdue CDC guidelines for opening schools that both the Biden administration and teachers unions (who appropriately applaud the expulsion of the previous administration) have agreed to:
“Today, the CDC met fear of the pandemic with facts and evidence,” said Randi Weingarten, president of the American Federation of Teachers, in a statement. “For the first time since the start of this pandemic, we have a rigorous road map, based on science, that our members can use to fight for a safe reopening.” […]
“Of course, this set of safeguards should have been done 10 months ago,” said Weingarten, adding that the AFT released recommendations in April similar to those in the CDC plan. “Instead, the previous administration meddled with the facts and stoked mass chaos and confusion.”
Becky Pringle, president of the National Education Association, the nation’s largest teachers union, called the roadmap “a good first step.”
The plan includes guidelines for hand washing, social distancing, masks, and vaccinations. Also: all purple nurples must be given using extendo-clamps, and all swirlies may only be administered in toilets with automatic flushers.
CHEERS to today’s edition of “Me, That’s Who!!!” In its coverage of President Biden’s plans for boosting the economic recovery and creating jobs, CNBC quotes this quizzical wunderkind who rakes in the big bucks for his precision analysis:
“It’s quite remarkable that [President Biden] is facing an historic economic downturn in the same way that President Obama did,” said Bankrate senior economic analyst Mark Hamrick.
“Who could have imagined that would have been the case over a year ago?”
This has been today’s edition of “Me, That’s Who!!!”
BRIEF SANITY BREAK
END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
JEERS to premature check-outs. Sad news today from the world of hoteliering. Marriott CEO Arne Sorenson has died. As with Alex Trebek and Congressman John Lewis, it was pancreatic cancer. He was only 62. He’ll be buried with a mint on his pillow. One side of his headstone will say “Do Not Disturb” and the other will say “Maid Service, Please.”
CHEERS to legal libations. On this date in 1933, the U.S. Senate passed the Blaine Act, which effectively ended prohibition. Who says Christmas comes in December?
Ten years ago in C&J: February 17, 2011
OMG! to hell freezing over and pigs flying! A bank—JPMorgan Chase—has done what no other megabank has ever done in the history of the universe with the sole exception of that one time during Jupiter’s Olthblark era: they said they were sorry:
JPMorgan Chase & Co. on Tuesday announced new programs geared toward military customers and veterans, and apologized for overcharging thousands of active-duty service members on mortgages and improperly foreclosing on more than a dozen. … “We deeply apologize to our military customers and their families for these mistakes.”
As for their non-military customers, bank officials say they can still go screw themselves.
And just one more…
CHEERS to U.S. Mint-y freshness. Sadly, the state quarters collections—both the original series started in 1999 and the “America the Beautiful” collection honoring our national parks—have run their course. The last in the series, honoring the Alabama stomping grounds of the Tuskegee Airmen, was released last month. But that doesn’t mean we have to stop checking out the new arrivals from the Mint. The latest is literally one of a kind. Last week Congress unanimously approved the Congressional Gold Medal for Capitol Police Officer Eugene Goodman, who…
“…put his own life on the line and successfully, single-handedly leading insurrectionists away from the floor of the Senate Chamber.
Officer Eugene Goodman performed his duty to protect the Congress with distinction, and by his actions, Officer Goodman left an indelible mark on American history.”
Since 1776, when George Washington received the first one, the medal has served as “Congress’s highest expression of national appreciation for distinguished achievements and contributions by individuals or institutions.” And unlike other medals and coins produced by the U.S. Mint, each CGM is unique to that person or organization. Here’s how the medal was made for ALS-awareness advocate for former NFL player Steve Gleason:
Best part about winning your own official Congressional Gold Medal besides knowing that your country is grateful for your contribution to society? Unlimited turns of the crank in the Rotunda at the official Congressional Gold Medal gumball machine.
Have a happy humpday. Floor’s open…What are you cheering and jeering about today?
Today’s Shameless C&J Testimonial
“If you’re all about immersing yourself in a futuristic, apocalyptic, grimy-lived-in world, then sit back and soak in the Cheers and Jeers kiddie pool full of Bill in Portland Maine‘s candy corn. Go in expecting something that isn’t empty-headed in ways that make its escapism tedious and you’ll be disappointed.”