Cheers and Jeers for Monday, January 25, 2021
Note: Can’t get the cap off the maple syrup bottle? Try this: set your house on fire and then twist gently. The heat will warm the sticky syrup caught between the aluminum cap and the glass grooves and allow it to be gently loosened with your fingertips. Or try pliers or other wrench-like implement. —Hugs, Heloise
By the Numbers:
Days ’til World, National, State and Local Carrot Cake Day: 9
Amount by which Joe Biden and Kamala Harris’s swearing-in beat their immediate predecessors’ viewership among the six major TV networks last Wednesday, according to the Nielsen ratings: 1.5 million people
Drop in Fox News’s ratings during inauguration day 2021 versus 2017: 77%
Estimated amount spent on the 2020 campaigns for the House, Senate, and White House: $14 billion
Percent of U.S. workers over 55 who plan to delay their retirement because of the pandemic, according to Harper’s Index: 13%
Percent chance that the Biden administration renewed the White House subscriptions to The New York Times and The Washington Post after the previous administration dropped them because the papers hurt their fee-fees: 100%
Age at which baseball legend Hank Aaron and broadcasting legend Larry King died: 86, 87
Puppy Pic of the Day: They’re here…
CHEERS to moving day. Proceeding through halls that earlier this month were filled with spear-wielding insurrectionists (long story) and their moms (longer story), the House of Representatives will march a single article of impeachment—”Stupid Traitor Butthead Incited An Insurrection”—against Joe Biden’s predecessor into the esteemed upper chamber atop a Roman shield carried by a half dozen off-duty WWE titans, whereupon the Senate will begin preparations for the start of his second trial in four years. The goal this time is to officially deem him ineligible to seek public office in the future, having allegedly coordinated and paid for a coup at the Capitol after his attempt to subvert the Justice Department fell through. And in a sweet twist, AP reports that his own cult could do him in:
The words of Donald Trump supporters who are accused of participating in the deadly U.S. Capitol riot may end up being used against him in his Senate impeachment trial as he faces the charge of inciting a violent insurrection.
At least five supporters facing federal charges have suggested they were taking orders from the then-president when they marched on Capitol Hill on Jan. 6 to challenge the certification of Joe Biden’s election win. But now those comments, captured in interviews with reporters and federal agents, are likely to take center stage as Democrats lay out their case.
The trial starts February 9th. The House’s case will be handled by nine representatives, including Jamie Raskin (D-MD) and Joaquin Castro (D-TX). Republicans, meanwhile, are assembling their team. So far it includes Grumpy, Dopey, Shouty, Wheezy, Creepy, Spiteful and Rudy Giuliani in a Perry Mason mask.
JEERS to the ongoing pandemic. Let’s get one thing straight. When it comes to dealing with the covid crisis, the Biden administration isn’t “starting from scratch” like the media have reported. No—it’s starting from “jack shit.” Worldwide there are now over 99 million cases—a quarter of them in the U.S., which last week marked the one-year anniversary of the first reported case here. Here are this week’s numbers for the C&J historical record—our first check since Joe Biden grabbed the crisis by the reins and let science and common sense take over—courtesy of the most depressing tote board in the world, as our death toll now exceeds the population of America’s 46th-largest city Minneapolis, Minnesota:
6 months ago: 4.3 million confirmed cases. 150,000 deaths.
3 months ago: 9 million confirmed cases. 230,000 deaths
1 month ago: 20 million confirmed cases. 340,000 deaths
This morning: 26 million confirmed cases. 427,000 deaths
As President Biden has pointed out, things are going to get worse for awhile before they get better, given how much sciencing we have in front of us. Last week he got the ball rolling by signing a slew of executive actions that will contain and destroy covid, including faster testing and vaccinations, improving coordination with state and local officials, and ensuring that minorities aren’t left behind. “Well, so much for his unity pledge,” said a visibly angry spokesvirus.
CHEERS to great moments in traction. 122 years ago this week, Humphrey O’Sullivan patented the rubber heel. That’s nice, but we’re partial to the steel-tipped toe (and the exposed Republican shin).
BRIEF SANITY BREAK
END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
CHEERS to powering up, nice and clean-like. Gotta give a shout-out to the 26 states that defied the fossil-fuel fantasies of the previous administration by, among other things, adhering to the standards of the Paris Climate Accord after Whatsizface unceremoniously withdrew from it. Fortunately, the green energy revolution is pretty much a juggernaut by now, and the Biden administration intends to literally put a lot more wind in its sails, using lessons learned at the state level. The Center for American Progress has a nice overview, including Joe’s climate team:
One of the most exciting things about this slate of “climate Cabinet” nominees is the experience and success instate-level climate leadership it will bring to the federal government. After all, for the past half-decade and longer, states have been laying a roadmap for bold, nationwide climate action. Many of these nominees have served in or at the top of state government, including in Michigan, North Carolina, and New York. Others hail from states that have recently made great strides in clean energy such as New Mexico. All of them can now put lessons from their states’ leadership to work toward advancing federal policy and supporting ambitious climate action at all levels of government.
The climate plan includes commitments to new sectoral standards and strategies for agriculture, buildings, electricity, industry and transportation—including 100 percent carbon-free electricity by the year 2035—to lead in reaching net-zero greenhouse gas pollution throughout the U.S. economy by midcentury; calls for $2 trillion in investments in clean energy and sustainable infrastructure and for at least 40 percent of those investments to benefit disadvantaged communities; and draws inspiration from a climate movement that has increasingly coalesced around a “standards, investments and justice” framework to confront the climate challenge in this new decade.
The climate plan also has exciting implications for the health care sector. You may not have noticed, but the moment Joe Biden was sworn in, the rate of cancer from windmill noise instantly dropped to zero. I’m filling out the Nobel Prize nomination form now.
CHEERS to nimble fingers vs. fumble fingers. If you missed the NFL action yesterday, here’s what happened: Kansas City beat Buffalo 38-24, and the Buccaneers sent the Packers packing 31 to 26. (Don’t feel bad for the losers—they’re going home with a fabulous runner-up prize package that includes a Samsonite luggage set and $100 gift certificate from the Spiegel Catalog.) So it’ll be Mahomes vs. Brady (Him again???) on February 7 during Super Bowl XVVVVVVVVIIIII. And in other sports news, the winners over the weekend in the National Hockey League were, as usual, the players’ dentists.
Ten years ago in C&J: January 25, 2011
JEERS to the “Good night and good luck” heard ’round the world. Walter Cronkite…M*A*S*H…Bill Moyers…Lost…Oprah…Larry King…Cheers…hell, even Regis Philbin. All of these iconic TV titans gave us plenty of time to adjust to their looming absence from the small screen. No such luck Friday night when, 50 minutes into his show, Keith Olbermann went into a commercial break by announcing, so matter-of-factly as to make viewers momentarily think he was kidding: “This will be the last edition of Countdown.” So what’s next for Olbermann? Who knows? Speculation has him co-founding a cable sports network, creating a Huffington Post-like web site, opening a shoe store, running for office, or taking his massive pile of settlement cash and living out his days at a villa in the south of France. If the latter, I call dibs on cabana boy duties. (I have my own daiquiri blender—It’s a Northrup Grumman 5000).
And just one more…
CHEERS to the wisdom of jbou. The Kossack—one of several who departed during that awful purge of beloved humans in 2016—is gone but not forgotten. C&J promised to revisit his sharp George-Carlin-meets-Stephen-Wright zingers from time to time because, well, they will never cease to crack me up. And whaddya know, today is one of those days. Here’s what was on his mind back in January of 2012 and 2013…
» As a kid, I’d get attention by saying inappropriate things and making fart noises. As an adult, I’m taller.
» The sad thing about Baby New Year is knowing he dies on his first birthday.
» Maybe we should be focusing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
» Love is like the Force: it surrounds us, binds us, and people can use it to cut off your arms and legs and toss you into lava.
» In order to confuse the bigots, everyone will now please exchange stereotypes with the ethnicity to your immediate left. Thank you.
» This “judge people by the content of their character” thing is not working to my advantage.
» Autocorrect makes me feel like I’m friends with a nosy, incompetent know-it-all.
» Time heals all wounds. Unless you suffered a horrible disfigurement working in a clock factory. Then it’s just a grim reminder.
» I ordered a plunger and a snare drum on Amazon so next time you order one and it recommends the other, that’s me.
» It seems the group of people who are easily offended and the group of people who are easily confused tend to be the same group.
How nice to know that our dearly-departed members of the Daily Kos community—from Exmearden to Triciawyse to Patriot Daily New Clearinghouse to jbou, and all the rest—can finally, as of last Wednesday, stop spinning in their graves and rest in peace again. Just in case we end up with another Republican president after I’m gone, the #1 item on my list of last wishes is: embalm me with Dramamine.
Have a tolerable Monday. Floor’s open…What are you cheering and jeering about today?
Today’s Shameless C&J Testimonial
“I’ve been wanting to come in Cheers and Jeers for months and months. Let’s call it what it is. I got blocked because they didn’t like the way you splash.”